GESLOTEN - LCB Augustus HaHaHa-wedstrijd

Here is my joke,

A couple was having dinner at a restaurant. As the food was served the husband said "the food looks delicious, lets eat".
Wife: honey.... you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweet heart...here the chef knows how to cook. :     

Probably my this joke was not based on casino or gambling..
So here is now my joke....
Poker is like sex everyone thinks that they are the best but most people don't have a clue that what they are doing....  

Here is my comic strip...

Finally here is my gambling story may be a very short one....
I usually try a slot with demo coins before playing for real money. Similarly i was trying a slot i don't exactly remember the name of the slot and i had around $5500 balance (fake as you all know). Then my nephew (not a online gambler) came and saw my balance. He was in a complete shock as I said that i made this from a meagre amount of $25......   

here's an original joke (like jokes on you to my sisters!) i think anyways lol story!....
My family likes to say "the family that gambles togetrher stays togetrher" so ....

It was my grandma's 80th birthday, so where else would we all go (her 3 kids, the two son-in-laws, and the 14 grandchildren, 3 grandchildren-in-laws, and 4 other "aunt's and uncles" not blood related...
for some reason we stayed at Rio (not sure why-i think the place is a dump)  now...being from Los Angeles, and big gamblers Vegas is a normal (multiple x multiple trips a year so I am not big on shows, things to see, etc-give me a black jack table or a great video poker machine any day over going to the hottest shows in vegas....so the plan was on the Saturday, we all went to dinner all dressed up, then AFTER dinner we ALL were to meet at the special entrance for those that got to ride on the float for the "Masquerade Show in the Sky" and throw beads-well...here's the joke-I said let me go play blackjack and i'll meet everyone there....i ended up on a winning streak, then thought there is NO WAY IN HELL i'm gonna leave this table, well.... about an hour AFTER I missed the float thing, my two sisters rolled up to my table and said-"OH MY GOSH you missed the float, and Dad made us ALL go, i said, well look, i'm up 5000.00, needlesss to say when i got to the room later with my chips-they were pissed and ended up showing me the most embarrassing picture ever-ALL OF THEM with Masquerade masks on standing with our parents and the actual parade in the sky "actors" aka...half dressed stripperish looking guys with their abs out-they said it was so embarrassing with my DAD right there....okay anyways i still think it's funny. maybe a little longwinded, but so glad i missed it!

I have been around for a very long time, about 8 years, spending copious amounts, money I should never have been playing. I have won a whole lot too that I lost back, I am ashamed to say, I mean really  . 

Well, I go to FaceBook to play funny money and find a page where you can actually play real money and cash out real money, with a minimum deposit of just $5, so I deposit, play, lose; deposit, play, lose; deposit, play, lose; deposit, play, lose, you get my point. 

Let me backup and mention that not once, not even one single itty bitty time in the past 8 years of playing, have I EVER cashed out (without reversing the request and losing it back).  Well, discouraged, but not beaten,  as I have been on so many many days, I went back in and purchased another $10 of  play.

I spent about 20 minutes dwindling that away. I'm down to 20 cents.  I sigh the long, heavy sigh of defeat, hit the spin button for what I thought was the last time for the night, and lo and behold, I got free spins, which paid me around $22.

It did not take long, at least not in "Loni time", and I had it up over $4,000.00! 

In shock and total disbelief,    I do a withdrawal (yes, boys and girls, that IS the correct way to spell it) request for $3,000.00 and asked that it not be left in a you-can-reverse-it-and-lose-it status.  I could not believe how easily that cashout went!  Within three (3) days, the money was on my PayPal card, with which I had deposited. OMG!! MY FIRST CASHOUT, AND FOR $3K.  

Attached are a few screenshots of some of the wins I got that night.  WHOO HOO!

This isn't a joke, just a gambling story.

When my grandmother died we all went to a casino after the funeral.  (sad that funeral is spelled  real fun with the letters scrambled). 

My grandma liked to gamble, on occasion, for fun. I was only 22 and remember putting the actual quarters in the slot and pulling the arm, one by one.

Anyway, when I got home, I noticed I forgot to redeem a $5 chip.  I was mad at the time.  I mean, it was FIVE DOLLARS!.  I'm so glad I forgot to cash it in. I still have the chip 25 years later. It is a nanny reminder, a gift from my angel.

I have 10 grandchildren , I have cared for the last 3 up until grade school. I am a big slot fan and will play on occasion when they are napping or doing some quiet play. Anyway over the years there has been small incidents like one of my grandsons hitting a max bet spin for 14.00 twice or by accident hitting spin instead of leaving th slot. Anyway I had made my deposit , got by bonus and had been playing a couple of days , Finally got up to 400.00 that I really needed . I was getting ready to cashout , it was lunch time and the 4yr old grandson was "hungry" . I left the computer and went to fix his lunch , sat down with him, ate , cleaned up . Went back to the computer , to my horror I had forgotten to close the screen and while I was in the kitchen my grandson had completely spun out my money on max bet. I contacted Grand Eagle but other than a chuckle there was nothing to be done. Life Lesson: Always close your screen around children

Ouch that hurts! But i bet you grandson had a blast!

Nice picture, xbornluckyx!

Well, I have no idea for joke/picture yet and I don't want to just copy-paste anything so I will leave it for now.


And a funny gambling story... Well, it will be a pretty cruel one

Years ago, when I was still at University (damn, I miss that a lot) I used to spend my weekends with my friends and... well, smoking marijuana (don't think that I'm some kind of drug addict anyway, in my opinion it's shouldn't be even called a drug).
So, we were sitting, smoking, having fun. A friend of mine -Peter - said that he's really short of cash so I told him that he should try to win something with no deposit bonuses at online casinos as there was just PLENTY of them.

So he opened few accounts at few casinos, had no luck at all with wagering his bonuses. Finally, he managed to win a jackpot  at one of RTG casinos (when they were accepting players from my country yet). He was so shocked that his balance was over $4.000 so he asked me - will they really pay it to me? I was really high..  so I was thinking and thinking and finally told him that yeah, they are pretty much trusted, he should get his cash within week (after verification and so on). I still remember how happy he was  of course he instantly decided to celebrate it... and yeah, it could be really called "party hard".. 2 days of drinking, clubbing and so on. He decided to spend all of his cash, leaving himself just a little to survive that week until he gets his cashout.

Well, 2 days passed, it was sunday already so we were sober finally. So Peter asked me to help him with making a deposit, verification process and so on... And now it's time for funny or rather cruel part - I was to high to remember that max. cashout from that no deposit code was.. just $100...  Poor Peter had to survive almost 3 weeks with his $100 winnings.. it was just like eating bread and drinking water... I guess that I don't have to add that he didn't become a huge fan of online gambling... 

Never gamble if you're not sober, guys! 

Hello  here me Cartoon , the name form me casino is "casino cherrys"...

If this was in 1879 uk that would be a fortune especially if it was grapes

hello all, been awhile since ive been on, but here is my joke. so did ya hear about the big fire at the casino the other day? well this woman comes running out of the casino, and her arm is on fire! shes running around screaming, help me help me my arm is on fire!

well the police man he is there, the fireman he is there, and all the casino customers are there. they are all standing around watching.

and the woman is running around screaming, help me help me my arm is on fire,

finally zuga the casino forum leader goes up to the cop and shakes him and says my God man do something , help that woman, so the policeman pulls his gun and shoots the woman right in the head and kills her.

zuga screams, my god why did you do that?

the cop calmly replies WELL SHE HAD A FIREARM!!!!

hope yall find that as humorous as i did

mm...let's see.. Sooo many stories each worth a few Hardee hars no matter how embarrassing, but hey $ to shop means $ to play. Right?

So here it is.... (Don't think I ever told this one here, if I did let me know I have a plenty)

My friend Miranda and I took off in the middle of the night to a casino that was slightly further than the ones we normally went to. When we got there I did my usual ritual. I put money to the side to play with and grabbed some snacks. As we were walking from the parking lot to the door, I reached in my wallet and handed Miranda a $20 bill. I said, "Here Randi, take this"  "Whooo  you been holding out? " she said
"No Randi.  I want you to  hold onto this. Were going to need this for gas. Now look I don't care what happens in there. If I loose its a wrap. We'll just have to leave. Understand? Miranda, no matter what DO NOT GIVE ME BACK THIS MONEY!!  You understand ? (She nods) I'm serious Randi , because we're going to need this to get back. I don't care if I start acting crazy, have a temper tantrum, get loud, fall out on  top of the roulette table, call you out your name and have to tell people to mind their own business, under no circumstances are you to give this back to me.  You got it? (She nods again)I'm sorry Randi, but hey yes we should of stopped and got gas yadda yadda ,but we didn't. Why didn't I? probably because I thought I'd still have this I've won with less. Plus, don't trust myself right now, but I'm going to pace myself and take that chance. Plus you can do this  Miranda  be strong and remember no matter what DO NOT  GIVE IT BACK TO ME!" We entered the casino and picked our poison. Well about ten minutes later I was out. They got  me and not a free play in sight. I took a deep breath and went looking for Miranda. She was still playing. I walked up to Miranda and said, " hey they got me. Give me the money I gave you". Miranda shook her head and says "nope". Nope? What do you mean no? Miranda give me the money." Uh uh . We need this to get back" she said. Whatever Randi give me the money." " No you told me not to give it to you no matter what". Frustrated now I said, "look Miranda I don't care what I said give me the  #@ money"! Miranda again says no.  I walked away  for a minute and paced and came back to her this time agitated and pissed. "Randi give me the money" sh said no. Then I said "Miranda I don't care what I said its mine give it back." Miranda had fear in her eyes and.  Gives it to me. Well about ten minutes later I find  her and say " let's go". We left the casino walked to the car and drove for about fifteen minutes all in silence. I looked down at the gas gauge and said "I don't know. This is going to be tricky". I then said ,"Randi why did you give me back the money?" " Oh no you don't". "Didn't I say no matter what happens not to do it? Didn't I?"  "You're not going to blame this on me". " Randi I said even if I act crazy don't do it and you did it anyway. Damn!" She said "I had no choice. You should of seen yourself. Your voice changed your eyes looked wicked it was like Satan was going to kill me if I didn't hand it over." I was like "yeah? I knew something didn't feel right and you seemed shorter then too. Woooo guess we won't be going there again...You did wear your tennis just in case you have to push right?

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: "I can’t deal with you anymore."

Online is the way to go.

The funniest story was my first trip to a land based casino i was only 19. I had to walk in ,in a crowd of elderly matrons past security that was randomly asking for ID. During the whole trip i had to sit beside someone in case i won so they could claim my prize. I did not win but i had fun anyways playing the slots. I started at the dollar slots and worked my way down to the penny machine. I did leave with a full stomach compliments of the free coupon book the lady who plans the trip gives and a couple of hundred extra bucks.  I remember thinking the whole trip that the women smelled like ben gay,peppermints and cigarettes. Now i am pretty sure teenagers think the same of me. So ironic huh  .

this is my story of a lifetime: around may of 2010 i bought 2 ukash for 100 SEK each. i deposited one into betsson casino. this was my first deposit with them. i played the sparkling new game gonzos quest. it was a good choice. i got the free falls and it payed a staggering 60 000 SEK (around €7000) i couldnt belive my luck. i started to play the dead or alive slot. and this made me 120 000 SEK richer. i phoned my sisters son up and asked him if he would like a trip to rio de janeiro. he said yes. the trouble started when betsson just this week had problems with their direct bank withdrawals (now called trustly) i got the chat on the line and asked how long this would take. they said 2-3 days. omg. i have a weak side. when the withdrawals take more than 24 hours i tend to cancel them and play like theres no tomorrow. but i had prommised a trip to rio de janeiro. i GAVE MY COMPUTER TO A FRIEND!!! i had no computer for 3 days... oh i wanted to play sooo bad. but it resulted in a trip to brazil!!! never had any regrets!!!

soon is the end of this great contest... I saw some great stories here and hope that you like mine... Can't wait to see winners

And I just now accidentally found this picture on the internet and decide to share here in this contest maybe I win something ... story plus this picture increase my chance to win ... it is great competition and made me laugh but let's admit ti.. it's all about money   

A man was in a casino, and his wife had gone off somewhere. Well, all of a sudden, he started yelling for her. He yelled and yelled til his wife heard him and hurried to see what was going on. She sees her husband standing in front of a machine, and he shouts to her, "Honey, I can't lose!! Watch". He turns and slides a $20 into the slot, and lo and behold, money came right back out, the same amount as he put in.  Then she sees that it is not a slot machine, but a change machine!

GOOD TIPS...LOL

This happened a long long time ago..i was shopping at a local store as i was leaving i put my change in the horseracing machine, after a couple of minutes people started watching so i put the rest of my change in and pushed the button the horses started going, my horse starting catching up,then he got out in front, yea!! my horse won!! But the horses kept running around and around the change girl had already called for someone to come pay it off and when he got there he opened the machine and said my horse wasn't suppose to win so he couldn't pay me...well that pissed off the people who had been watching and everyone started fighting with him he said he had to call someone else and he wanted my id..i told him i had to get it in my car ...thank goodness!! i ran out of the store and  kept running till i got home.. I was only 17 and it was against the law for me to play.. when i left the store the guy was still fighting with a crowd of people!!

.

Would not say its laugh out loud but true story. Local fruit machine player is on a bad run for a month and is down least £250 for the day on one single slot. With 50 people inside shop ready to shark him he decides he's had enough . With about £100 left in his cup , he is sooo pissed off he chucks the his cup over his head and just walks out of the arcade. Never seen something like that in my time gambling , he just gave up and did not care about his money     LUCKY some sharks  felt his pain, scooped up the coins and gave it to staff . They kept the slot warm for him knowing he would come next day. He did and we all know what happened next !

What happened next?

he put it back in of course and sharks went for lunch, no punchline

Another true story, only person who found this funny was the pranksters >:( or so he thought
Man goes to  arcade (big punter) and does £100+ into slot.
Tells manager to hold machine while he goes to bank.
While punter rushes to bank , manager notice that a identical slot is next to to it , so swaps the two.
( only way punter could find out he was conned is if he saw the last reel play when he left )
(and it takes £300 to get streak average £60 - £100)
After losing an extra £300 the punter knew something was up + manager was acting a bit too sexy.
So punter said he would be back in an hour , he went home got £200 more and instead of playing asked all the regulars what happened in private, and if someone told the truth he would give the person £200.
Someone did tell him but he wanted proof so man went to assistant manager, who did not like her boss at all.
She said its true and u can check on the camera s if u want. To his horror the punter saw what unfolded.
In the end he struck a deal with both of them, £100 to man ,£100 to her on one condition. She sent the tape to aireal manager
Within a month manager got the sack , she got his job +£100 and so to did regular.
Happy Days

So here is my take on joke !

20 years ago , we had Steve jobs , Johnny Cash and Bob hope.

Now we have no job , no hope and no cash

Don't let Kevin Bacon die  

My comic strip !

Which bit is yours then?

What does that mean ?

Maybe I am dense but, where is the gambling parallel in this joke?

Very cute joke, I like it!

my joke submission i just made up myself...and before anyone asks, me being blonde has nothing to do with it !!


A blonde visits an Indian casino with her sister and mother. She tells the two to go ahead she is going to browse around and see which machine feels “lucky”. She instantly stops at the gumball machine and inserts a quarter. She pushes the button and a gumball drops down. She puts another quarter in the slot thinking she will get lucky once again. She pushes the button and to her surprise another gumball dropped down. She yelled with joy and got her sisters attention. Her sister hurries to get to her sister and asks her what in the world was she doing, the blonde replied I just won twice in a row!!!

That reminds me when I was still at university and there was machine with Coca-Cola, 7up etc. It also had a digital display, showing temperature or something like that. Always when we were buying something we were taking a look at value of that display device, inserting coins and saying "Damn, I won only a tin of Coca and the jackpot was 6$ already!" 

Only the really bad jokes on here are original, Just found someone who posted here

Well, I have no idea for a casino joke so I'll just post a poker joke that I heard recenlty and made me laugh badly 

AK is like Anna Kournikova  - looks good but never wins 

And here's my cartoon, designed specially for everyone who are so unlucky with online gambling as me recently 



I  hope you like it. 

I may as well. Excuse the bad cutting I only had 15 minutes.

joke:

Making Up Is Easy To Do

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.


and the comic, Thanks the contest!

My funny story well it was funny at the time is where i got my name xbornluckyx from.
I used to go to land bingo quite often and if i won i would go the next night.  This particular week i went on the thursday night and i won a full house and 2 line wins so i decided to go the next night to another land bingo (they were usually in a different place each night). That night i won a full house and the caller that had been there the night before was playing and smiled across the room at me as if to say not u again. So i went on the saturday night and this time and it was the same caller again. I won another 2 lines so decided to go on the sunday night. By this stage i was thinking i surely couldnt win again and it was again the same caller.  Halfway through i won a full house then the very next game i won a line and i think most of the players were ready to lynch me lol and in the second half i couldnt believe it when i won another full house and i went bright red with embarrasment.  The caller couldnt stop laughing and turns around and says to the whole room and goes this girl was "born lucky".  and thats how i got my name. Im sure the whole hall was going same winners n ready to run me from any bingo after that lol.

ok, so i was having a conversation this morning with lipstick, and i asked, hey did you hear about that actress that stabbed a killed her boyfriend this morning? lipstick said omg whoooo

I replied ummmm darn it what was her name??? it was ummmm reece  ummmm reece???ya know the little blond gal,

lipstick say witherspoon? i replied no it was with a knife.


lol

Casino/Gambling related...

what did the aq hand say to the got there on river hand 910? STRAIGHT up that was not good poker..

sorry it sucks but I am better with natural humour than thinking of jokes!

this is my comic strip pics

well friends I have read many stories here with members of the Forum the truth all are interesting but now I want to share something that happened in my country in the city of monterrey in mexico, 3 years ago maybe some have read or heard but here I share in the city of monterrey is committed an attack on a very large casino called casino "royale" which had several years working. and the attack suffered themselves many things since it was a revenge for a group of drug traffickers who lost lots of money and take revenge, also rumored of an attack on the Government but the worst is that this fact happened and no one has been able to solve it. the bandits placed bombs on the place where many people died, I share this true story that I think that in the world of casinos is one of the worst things that can happen.

Here's my joke :
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!

I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"  Good Luck friends!

A lot of you guys come here at last day or two, but that is better than never so, end is near and looking forword to see winners thanks lcb

Here is my comic. Better late than never!~